Am I ready?

An old friend told me that when Chloe is around 18 months the thought of another one won’t seem so crazy. Recently I’ve found myself welcoming the thought of being pregnant again, I had such a lovely pregnancy and the thought of growing another human excites me a little. Then of course my toddler throws something at me in frustration or squeals like a mini banshee right in my ear as it’s her preferred way to communicate with me and the thought of another Chloe scares the thought from my mind. It’s only fair that I have already had one difficult baby that the next one should be a breeze, right?!

When I scroll my camera roll and see pictures of Chloe as an infant I feel like I missed her as a baby, it was a really hard time with her Silent Reflux, my PND and my husband working away so I didn’t enjoy it as much as I wanted to. In a way I feel I was robbed of the newborn experience and there are so many things I would do differently, I would love another chance at it if I am lucky enough. But when is it ever the right time to have another baby? I don’t know if there is ever a ‘right time’ to bring another life into the world and fill your heart with more love for another human (and your belly with more coffee coz #sleepisfortheweak) but it’s a battle between my heart and mind to have another. My heart wants another sooner rather than later so I can give Chloe a sibling and I would love for them to grow up close in age but my mind knows we a. cant really afford to have another mouth to feed right now (and I am hoping to succeed in the breastfeeding battle next time but new babies still come at a huge expense – i.e. one wage and a zillion nappies) and b. Chloe was (and lets be honest,still is) quite a handful, I don’t know if I can actually survive another Silent Reflux devil baby and a demanding and emotionally unstable toddler. With all of my husbands siblings and nieces and nephews having Silent Reflux I know there is probably 99.9% chance the next is going to have it too, but I like to think I will be more prepared. But even with all the preparation and experience I have already had with it just the thought of going through all of that again makes me want to book in for a tubal ligation. But I could get really lucky and get one more like me than it’s father, Chloe inherited Brett’s temper, stubbornness and large ears so the next one surely should be more like me.

I never really considered age gaps when I was pregnant with Chloe, the doctor that discharged me when I had her asked me when I was having the next one and I felt like taking a sip of water just so I could spit it out in astonishment. Like, geez woman – my uterus is still contracting back from the size of a bowling ball to a 5c piece from this one, lets give it a minute. I always imagined a shorter gap, my sister and I are 3 years apart and although we had our usual sibling rivalry going on (she wouldn’t let me play barbies and I did my fair share of dobbing to mum on her) we still made some pretty amazing memories growing up together. I have always said I would like Chloe to be able to entertain herself to a degree before I pop out another one but as she currently still looses her shit if I step into the kitchen to wash a coffee cup which is only a few feet away I am picturing her clinging for life to my leg as I stumble around the house with a newborn. I also secretly hope Chloe will calm down a little when we do have another, but I also hope for world peace and I don’t feel the chances of that are very high so I’m not lulling myself into that false sense of security. 

I’ve definitely had to theoretically punch my ovaries in the dick a few times (settle down guys, it ain’t the time yet!) but as I post Chloe’s pre-loved baby items such as her bassinet and bouncer on Gumtree I feel a little hesitation to let go of it just yet. I know the hubs will need a bit more convincing and I don’t think it’s one of those ‘ask for forgiveness, not for permission’ situations (in the heat of the moment it can seem like a dance on the wild side not reaching for one of those little rubber sperm catchers but we both come back to sensibility and whack one on before the big event) so I guess it will be a little while yet untill 3 becomes 4. Or maybe not, he can be convinced pretty quickly at the promise of a visit to a motor show and a boobie grab. 

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