Lies pre baby Sami told mum-to-be Sami

I think we all have a rough idea of what kind of parents we want to be before our children arrive. Well however you think your going to be, just forget it – everything will change. I guess it depends on what kinda baby you end up with and how well you handle each situation but every baby is different and you won’t know until your faced with each new challenge. I think it’s best to expect the unexpected.

I moved around a lot when I was young so I don’t remember that much about my childhood but I do remember that I had a pretty amazing upbringing. I only ever got ‘fake’ grounded once (mum didn’t want us hanging around a certain older boy that was turning out to be a pyromaniac so she told us to tell him we were grounded – cheers mum for helping us dodge that bullet) and I only recall ever being smacked once as my sister and I were being horrible to each other (I’m sure there were more times but this is the only time I have memory of). So all in all I think my folks did a pretty stellar job – my sister and I both have our shit together for the most part so I can only hope I’ll do as good a job as my olds did with us.

But there are already a few things that I said I would and wouldn’t do before baby Chloe arrived that have already gone right down the shitter. I know she isn’t old enough to be completely ruined or spoiled yet but there are definitely things that I naively told myself would/wouldn’t happen with my her that have turned out to be total lies;

Before baby: I’m not going to be one of those mums that stays home on Facebook all day, I’m going to get out with the baby as much as I can!

Post baby: Baha-fucking-ha! I literally couldn’t have been more naive thinking this! I was petrified to leave the house for at least 6 months. Chloe cried a lot in the beginning so I didn’t want to risk her clearing out the shopping centre with her screaming so I stayed home as much as possible, cancelled plans at any chance I could and shopped online more than I would like to admit. In hindsight I wish I hadn’t and now if I don’t get out of the house at least once every second day I start going a bit batty. Gee, if Chloe is pulling a 2007 Britney I get her out twice a day so I don’t have to endure her relentless whingeing alone. And I really don’t spend that much time on FB – I’m defs an Insta and Snapchat mumma. And praise Jesus for Woolies online shopping.

Before baby: I’ll have my baby sleep in my room with me for at least 6 months.

Post baby: 11 weeks, pack ya bags kid – I’ll see ya on the flip side! Honestly I probably would have kept her in our room longer but when she started sleeping through the night (meaning 6 hours straight or more) I figured it was as good a time as any to transition. The first time was actually an accident as I had her nap in her cot during the day and put her back in her cot after her evening feed instead of our room. It worked out great, she started sleeping longer stretches at night and I was more rested. And a rested mumma is a wonderful thing. Hubs was also stoked to get his love shack back, although there aren’t many socks on this door knob nowa days – soz love.

Before baby: I don’t want to give my baby a pacifier if I don’t have to. I’ll find other ways of soothing her.

Post baby: I remember the midwife asking if I bought a pacifier to the hospital the day after I gave birth, needless to say Chloe cried..a lot..so a dummy has been a must for my sanity. In my defence (not that I think I need to defend my parenting decisions) but it is said to relieve reflux pains due to the saliva stimulation and god knows Chloe needed some relief and so did my bleeding ears. She still cries a lot and is in the ‘whiney as fuck most of the day’ stage (aka the 0 – adolescent stage) so we still keep a few on hand to plug her squeal hole if needed. Also currently used as a sleep aid which I’m not stoked about but if she’s sleeping then I don’t care a fuck really.

Before baby: I won’t baby proof, I’ll teach her what she can’t touch in the house.

Post baby: Wow, pre-baby Sami was a damn fool! I know some people can do this successfully but me, well I’m just not patient enough. Saying ‘no no, we don’t play with the remotes’ or ‘no no, you can’t play in that draw’ 1 million times a day is just not in my tolerance realm. But I’m also a bit OCD and still haven’t fully accepted that my house is overrun by baby toys and that the grown up things need to be moved or it may be broken (RIP my gorgeous T2 teapot, you were beautiful and will be dearly missed) so I’m gradually putting things away as the little invader becomes interested in them.

Before baby: I’ll keep my pre pregnancy clothes, I’ll fit into them again. I’ll have plenty of time to exercise. (Not parenting related but a lie none the less)

Post baby: I’m currently sitting on the couch with chocolate covered pretzels watching Sister Wives while Chloe is napping. Exercise is the last thing on my mind after the washing I should be folding and vacuuming the floor that resembles a minefield of cat fur and discarded Cheerios. It’s a working progress, nuff said.

Before baby: I’ll make my own baby food, buying the Thermomix was totally worth it.

Post baby: For my husband’s sake the Thermo was absolutely a good investment! I’m just lazy AF and totes not motivated to get my ass in the kitchen for more than 15 min (correction: Chloe is clingy AF and won’t let me be in the kitchen for more than 15 min). I think this is one lie that most expecting mums tell themselves but honestly I’ll give the kid anything if it means she’s eating something. Mini jatz and cream cheese it is kiddo! I do make some of my own baby food but spoon-feeding is unacceptable most days for queen C and the floor generally ends up with more food than her belly so sometimes easy finger foods are just less stress.

I know that there will be many more parenting style changes to come as Chloe grows, like letting her watch toons on the iPad when we’re out for dinner or having her on a baby harness (Brett is totally against both of these at the moment) but as long as she is happy, healthy and not burning the house down or beating other children up then I’ll consider it a win.

Happy parenting peeps.

© Jan Weir

 

 

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