Soul searching

Soul searching

It has come to my attention that I can be somewhat of a negative Nelly. No one told me this, I was reading through all my blogs and months worth of Instagram and Facebook posts because I’m a psycho like that and the general vibe was I’m a bit of a Debbie downer. I don’t want to make excuses or justify it but sometimes it is hard when the hubs works over 1000km away so we can afford our mortgage but he hates his job and my job literally pays me in shitty nappies and my only employee cries when I tell her no, throws food at me and constantly runs up the back of my heals with her walker while I’m trying to cook dinner for her to throw at me. Not to mention the bloody dog has ADD (yeah, it’s a thing) so I can’t walk him whilst pushing a pram so he sits at the glass door all day guilt staring me and currently insists on only shitting on the paved patio (FML) and the cats allergies are playing up so there are tumbleweeds of cat fur floating around the house (she’s fine, season change always gets her scratching more) so I’m constantly sweeping the floor so its safe for Chloe to crawl around. Ok, maybe I am making excuses but they are all shit reasons to be ungrateful for the amazing life I have been blessed with.

I have never been a glass half full kinda gal, I can always find the negative before the positive but I think it’s more to do with my horrible self-confidence rather than the situation itself. I am the worst case scenario person, if something is going to go wrong I will convince myself it will probably happen to me and that negative mind frame will inevitably sabotage me. I think it’s easy enough to say ‘I’ll be more positive’, burn a bunch of lavender oil and buy a shit tonne of crystals to reinvigorate your chakras or some shit (yeah I did this #totzspiritual) but if you have been living as a pessimist for most of your 20s it can be hard to shake the negative Nancy off your shoulder.

I haven’t always been negative, I believe it all started when I was 20 and started working as a recruiter in the booming mining industry in Port Hedland. The expectation was huge and the pressure broke my spirit, I was only 20, never travelled, lived in remote WA for most of my life and jumped straight into a challenging career before really enjoying my early 20s. Recruitment for mining was brutal back then and if you couldn’t handle the big personalities and charm the big bosses then you wouldn’t make it far (that’s possibly a bit dramatic but I’m just not that naturally charming and always felt awkward trying to mix it with the bosses at the big mining companies). I’ve always likened recruitment to real estate, you will either love it or hate it and I sure didn’t love it. But alas, it bought me massive opportunities to build up my qualifications and allowed us to save the deposit for our first home so I definitely shouldn’t complain. But it also turned me into a bitter old bitch.

I really do try to see the positive in each day but sometimes it is really hard to find. A lot of people say they don’t know how I manage as a FIFO wife/mother but I have that same admiration for single parents. Yeah I’m alone for a few weeks out of a month but I have someone out there working their ass off to provide the best for me and our baby girl, I have a comfortable home that I love and I’m surrounded by things that we have worked hard for but that a lot of people our age with a young child don’t have. I can only image what it would be like to be a single parent, I understand the being alone part as I am alone the majority of the time but to do it completely on your own, to be the mother and the father, to be the carer and the provider – that takes such a strong person. Not downplaying how hard it is to be a FIFO family because it is hard and lonely but I am so very grateful for the lifestyle we have and I’ve said it before, it’s a lifestyle we have chosen so I try not to cue the violins too much.

I think being a positive person has a lot to do with feeling fulfilled and passionate about life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely passionate about my family – that’s a given. But I will always remember the day that someone asked me what I was passionate about, what I truly couldn’t live without. I honestly couldn’t tell him one thing that I couldn’t live without (other than my family and brow defining products), the thing that I would turn to if I was sad, the thing that would bring me calm and happiness. My husband immediately said music. When he’s sad he listens to music, when he’s angry – music, when he’s happy – music. He just couldn’t live without it. This persons reply to me was “You must feel so empty”. Was I hurt by this, a little but only because upon reflection I would have to agree with him. I’ve never had a hobby, I’m not super creative and I can honestly say I have not yet found the thing that makes me feel warm and complete inside (again, aside from my family). I’ve tried reading but I’m a little OCD so I’ll get a few pages in then get up to do dishes or clean the toilets and forget about the book for a few months. I can’t dance or sing (except when I’m in the car, I’m friggen Taylor Swift when I’m rocking it at the traffic lights), I don’t have any special talents and although I like to blog I’m still fairly new at it and kinda feel like a rambling amateur after reading some of the brilliance from other mumma bloggers. I know, get your violins ready ah. I’m sure I have something that makes me special and unique, I just haven’t found it yet.

I used to be fairly inspired by health and fitness pre parenthood. I ran a 12km City to Surf and was aspiring for the half marathon but got preggers so that hasn’t happened yet. I know that you can maintain a healthy lifestyle with a baby, I follow plenty of fit mum Insta accounts that I frequently stalk whilst devouring a bag of lentil chips (they are healthier than regular chips but probably not when an entire bag is eaten in one sitting, awks) but it’s my first time and it hasn’t been the smoothest of rides. When Chloe wasn’t sleeping (praise Jesus that she did sleep) she was generally screaming and fighting the bottle for 2 hours straight so when she was asleep that was my chance to recuperate and prepare for the next 2 hours of screaming and fighting to eat. My health certainly played second fiddle to miss silent reflux demon baby, I’m hoping to get my mojo back but I know it’s all about me taking responsibility for my body and treating it better. Something I’m definitely going to work on!

I refused to believe that being a mother defines me now. Of course I am a mother above anything else and I love my daughter beyond words but I’m not one of those people who was born to be a mother. A few years ago I would have dry heaved at the thought of having a child, similar to how I do now when I think of having a second child. I didn’t lose myself when I became a mother because I never truly found myself before becoming a parent. She has my whole heart but does she get my whole soul too? Is that a selfish question now that I’m a mother? I feel like I need to disclaim here: I love my daughter, like it hurts how much I love her but I want her to grow up seeing first hand unrivalled passion and excitement for life, I don’t want her growing up not knowing her place in the world. I want her to grow up being confident and excited for the miracles each day brings. I know I need to be the one to show her this but how can I when I struggle to see the miracles and doubt my self-worth daily?

I have so much in my world to be thankful for, I feel ashamed when I catch myself being negative or ungrateful by wishing for more or for things to be different. I know it has a lot to do with unbalanced thoughts and the perspective I have of myself but I’m working on that, got a bunch of self-help books for soul-searching to read the first few pages of (clutching at straws I know). I’m still trying to find that thing that gets my juices flowing and brings me calm, maybe I’ll start making pottery (probably not). So in the meantime I will burn my lavender oil, drink my green tea (and 2 coffees a day – let’s be honest, I’m a more pleasant person for it) and share my thoughts with those that are interested in the hopes that one day my passion will slap me in the face. And I will try harder to appreciate the miracles each day brings and show Chloe how beautiful life can be when you just let go and enjoy it.

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