I find myself bitching a lot about how hard parenting is (soz to all my friends that still care to ask how I’m doing – I promise I’m not about to jump in front of a car like it may seem) but the other day I got to thinking how hard it must be for Chloe. She is still fairly new to the world and she’s had a rough trot what with the silent reflux and a psycho mother wailing hysterically at her most days for her first few months of life. All she expects of me is love and some days I couldn’t even give her that, I was so consumed by fear, frustration, dispare, guilt..I was lost and I think she could sense it. Geesh I don’t blame her for being so miserable, I must have been a real wet rag to be around. There are still hard days, PND is a cunt and rears its ugly mug frequently but we are getting there – now days there are more smiles than tears but it’s all a part of this insane ride we willingly get on that is parenting.
This is not only for Chloe but for any parents out there that have struggled in the early days, we all have challenges and parenting is fucking hard but we all make mistakes and our experiences help us grow and make us stronger. You’re not alone, stay strong and remember your beautiful baby will always forgive you because you are their everything.
“To my baby Chloe,
I remember the day you were born so vividly, I know a lot of new parents say that but it really does feel like yesterday. You surprised us all by coming a lot sooner and quicker than we thought. I think I remember it so well because I was the most scared I’ve ever been in my life. I was alone and terrified, I thought I was prepared but I wasn’t prepared to experience it alone. I won’t go into details but it was painful but quick and when you arrived into the world I knew I wanted to always be there for you even though I was alone for the biggest moment of my life (not that it was any ones fault, your daddy and nanny were planning on being there but you had other plans).
Everyone says you get an overwhelming feeling of love when you first hold your baby in your arms, I definitely felt love but I also felt immense fear. Fear that I would fail, that I wouldn’t be a good mother, that I would ruin you. It may sound irrational but it’s something all new parents feel I think. I will never be able to put into words how much I love you but there are a few things I want to say sorry for, things that I know you won’t remember but that I regret beyond belief..
I’m sorry for the day you started showing signs of silent reflux. I’m sorry that I didn’t understand the pain you were in or that I couldn’t figure out how to help you. I’m sorry I didn’t hug you more and tell you it would be ok. Sorry I didn’t make more of an effort to bond with you as I was too busy trying to fix you. Sorry for the pain you went through and that you got scared to feed because of it. Sorry it took so long for me to let go of control and let you grow out of it.
I’m sorry for the day you wouldn’t sleep and I got so cross I shouted at you and scared you. I’m sorry you had been in so much pain all morning from reflux that you were over tired and distraught. I’m sorry I didn’t just sit with you and hold you and tell you it would be ok. I’m sorry for being selfish and just wanting you to sleep so I could get some time alone. I’m sorry the sound of my voice that day made you cry harder.
I’m sorry that I left you to cry in your cot more times than I can remember those first few months. I’m sorry that I couldn’t keep it together and had to walk away so I didn’t explode. I’m sorry if you felt abandoned in those moments, like I wasn’t going to come back to you. I’m sorry that it took so long to find the strength I needed to go on and to figure out how to comfort you.
I’m sorry for the day I tried to go shopping with you and ended up leaving in tears after 7 minutes because you wouldn’t stop screaming. I’m sorry that I didn’t check your nappy to realise you had a massive poo explosion. I’m sorry I cried hysterically all the way home and that you did too and that I did nothing to comfort you. I’m sorry for not being patient and taking a moment to remember the simple things.
I’m sorry for all the times I wished things were different, easy or more like someone else’s experience. I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate the challenging moments more, appreciate them for what they were – just a bump in our lives that would pass. Sorry I didn’t realise they were the moments that would make me stronger as a person and make our bond that much stronger.
You see my girl, we all make mistakes in life and some we can’t take back but we grow from them. We learn so much about ourselves when challenged and we need to embrace the situation and conquer it the best we can. Every moment in life good or bad has a lesson, the universe will throw what it can at you to break you but the pieces can always be put back together. Please know I will always be there for you and I will always forgive you, I will teach you, I will hold your hand, I will guide you and I will encourage you. I will let you learn with experience but I will try my best to protect you through the bad experiences.
Please never forget how much I love you.
Love you bigger than the moon sweet girl, Mummy”